


your ship may be coming in. you're weak, but not giving in

by Balthamos



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Characters learning a whole lot about themselves, Comfort, Depression, M/M, Overcoming Insecurity and Difficulty, Sadness, and their strengths, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-26 13:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30106797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: Matteo was scared of the future. The uncertainty of it. He had no idea what was coming, and it terrified him. At the same time, the future was inevitable. One thing he did know was that it was going to be lonely. School was ending and his friends were going to move on with their lives, while he was stuck, battling his mind, just desperately trying to survive. How was he supposed to think about the future when getting through the present seemed like an impossible task?
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner
Comments: 11
Kudos: 27





	1. prologue - you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story that has become so very close to my heart. It started as a few little prompts in my inbox, which I was unsure if I could fill, it's a very sensitive topic and I wasn't sure if I was the person to write it. But I had an idea, and it wouldn't go away. The idea grew into a few scenes, which became a few chapters, which became the fic I have today. I love and treasure this story, and I have handled the themes of mental illness and bipolar disorder with the utmost care. And there is no real drama around that, that's not what this story is. This is a story about a boy who is sturggling with his sexuality, with his fears of the future. He comes from a broken home and he feels like he's desitined to be alone. He is also bipoloar and he suffers with severe anxiety. He's about to learn that yes, that is a damn shitty hand he's been dealt, but it's far from the end of the world. Still with topics like these there are going to be heavy and difficult moments, so I will warn before each chapter for anything that might be upsetting. And as always, you can come to me anytime, to ask questions, voice concerns, or just let me know what you think.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo couldn’t deny it any longer. This was going to keep happening. He couldn’t hide it. He needed help. He was so exhausted. He couldn’t fight this anymore. He was scaring away his friends, screaming at his mum, he was out of control and he was terrified. He was so lost. He needed someone to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so warnings for this chapter:
> 
> Matteo experiences a manic episode. He hurts himself, by accident, but ends up in the hospital. During a discussion with a psychiatrist there is a mention of suicidal thoughts, but Matteo is not suicidal, he is however depressed.

It was happening again. Matteo wasn’t sure this was ever going to go away. He was going crazy, losing control. He was scared. He was scared of himself. It had happened before, a few times now. Every time he felt more and more out of it, more and more out of control. He was fucking terrified. He didn’t think he could hide this any longer whatever it was. He was crazy like his mum, and everyone would know.

Everything had gotten very fast in his head and all Matteo wanted to do was scream, let it all out. He had all this energy and no way to burn through it. He hadn’t slept in days. He’d played video games for two days straight, trying to get a perfect score. He’d spent hours making pasta because his mum had said the end of the world was coming and he’d wanted to be ready. They fed off each other, made each other worse.

In the end, he had screamed. He’d screamed so much, trying to let it all out. He was filled with secrets and lies, and it was killing him.

He’d screamed at his mum. He remembered that now. She’d been going on and on at him. She wanted him to come and read the bible with her, to get ready for the end of days, and something within him had just snapped. So he’d screamed at her. Told her no amount of bible study was stopping him going straight to hell. Told her that he was one of her filthy sinners and he was going to burn. And when she’d looked at him a little scared and a lot confused, he’d yelled at her that he was gay, and didn’t she just hate him now?

Then he’d walked out before he could hear her response. 

He didn’t want to see the look of shame on her face, didn’t want to see the disappointment. The horror as she realised what he was, that her own precious son was one of those sinners she hated so much.

He’d stormed out and gotten three blocks away before he’d collapsed on the ground, panicking. It was bad. He’d almost thrown up, he was shaking so much, he couldn’t breathe, his heart felt like it was exploding in his chest. He just lay there on the cold ground waiting to die.

He didn’t die. It passed eventually, and he managed to get up. 

He wasn’t any calmer, though.

So he decided to go see Jonas. He had to tell him too; he couldn’t keep this in any longer, it was killing him. The weird energy was still there. Matteo was not an energetic guy, so feeling like this was disconcerting. He felt like he could run for miles, do anything he wanted to do. He felt invincible. It was a far cry from his usual apathy, from the struggle it took just to get out of bed most mornings.

Every time this happened there was a split second where he wondered if this was normal, if this was just what it felt like when that heavy weight was lifted. But then it went too far the other way. Everything was brighter and more colourful than usual. Even in the darkness, there was this weird glow over everything. He knew it was his fucked up head, but it was kind of beautiful. He felt giddy with it. And he felt this intense compulsion to tell Jonas everything. He couldn’t rest until he did. He wanted Jonas to make it ok. He wanted Jonas to fix everything. He wanted Jonas to love him back. 

He’d felt like this before, a few times now. The last time this had happened was around the time his dad had left for good. It started with him begging the man not to leave and then everything got really messy really quickly. It felt pretty similar to this. That time he’d smashed up his room and gone on a ten day bender, so he didn’t get to appreciate the feeling like he did right now. He only remembered it in flashes. Yelling at Jonas. Calling his dad and begging him to come back. Getting on a train and ending up in the middle of nowhere. Jonas coming to find him, looking terrified. He took care of him though, looked after him. That’s why Matteo needed him right now.

He felt scared, but he also felt good, weirdly excited for some reason.

When he got to Jonas’ apartment, he pressed the buzzer. Then pressed it again and again and again. It was late, and he knew he should be mindful to the fact that Jonas and his family were probably sleeping, but he found he didn’t care. He needed to see Jonas too badly.

When the door opened and Matteo saw Hanna stood there behind Jonas, he frowned. He’d thought they were broken up. Again. Why the hell was she here in the middle of the night? Were they back together again? He supposed they must be if she was here at this time. But Matteo thought she was with that other guy now. And Jonas was moping about it. Complaining that he’d lost her or whatever. If he was honest, he couldn’t keep track of them. They were so on and off. They were always fighting, and they were always putting him in the middle of their shit. 

He couldn’t complain, a lot of it was his fault. He supposed he deserved to be pulled apart by both of them, stretched thin until he had nothing left to contribute to either friendship.

“What’s she doing here?” Matteo demanded. Just because it was his fault didn’t mean he had to like it.

“Oh you know what, I was just leaving,” Hanna muttered, clearly annoyed. 

But then she smiled at him. Maybe she was annoyed at Jonas. Matteo guessed they’d been fighting then, surely if they’d been having sex she’d be in a better mood.

“No Hanna wait, this isn’t really a good time Matteo,” Jonas said, always the peacekeeper. 

Matteo knew he was interrupting something, but this couldn’t wait. He wanted to be put first for once.

“Oh so you’re fighting again? Big fucking surprise. It’s never a good time with you! You’re always fighting or fucking and there’s never any time for me to talk about what I want to talk about! All you ever fucking talk about is Hanna. And Hanna you’re supposed to be my friend too, but all you ever want to talk about is Jonas and no one ever fucking wants to talk about me!”

He screamed the last few words, and both Hanna and Jonas flinched, looking terrified. He’d done it now. He’d scared them. He was going to scare them away.

“Matteo,” Jonas said gently. “I think you should come inside.”

He reached for him, but Matteo flinched and pulled back.

“I’m not going anywhere with you. I hate you, you know that? I hate you so much. I wish I could only hate you, but I love you. I love you. I’m fucking gay and I’m going to hell and I hate myself more than I could ever hate you and I don’t know what to fucking do,” Matteo said.

And great, now he was crying. He felt delirious, flitting between rage and tears in a matter of seconds. He was a fucking mess, and he hated this. He felt completely out of control. He couldn’t even remember how he’d gotten here. What the fuck was going on?

“Matteo,” Jonas said again, stepping towards him. 

He still wanted to get Matteo inside. He was probably embarrassed that he was making a scene. He was looking at him strangely, like he didn’t recognise him. Matteo hated this, he hated all of it. What the fuck was happening to him?

Jonas still wasn’t listening to him, so Matteo grabbed his shoulders, watching as his eyes widened. He needed to get him to listen. So he did the stupidest thing he’d ever done. He kissed him. He pulled Jonas close, and he kissed him. When Jonas didn’t shove him away, he kissed him again, before he even realised what he was doing. He hadn’t even wanted to do that. Not like that. He pulled away and stared at Jonas. 

What had he done? He’d just fucked up everything. He’d ruined it, his friendship with Jonas was over. He would hate him now. He had to get away from him. He couldn’t bear to hear Jonas send him away.

He tried to run, but Jonas was too quick. He grabbed Matteo and Matteo saw the utter devastation on Jonas’ face when he flinched and cowered away from him. He’d expected to be punched, but Jonas didn’t punch him. Jonas crushed him against his chest and held onto him, ignoring his struggles and protests. He held on until things slowed just a little for Matteo.

“Oh Matteo, I am so fucking sorry,” Jonas whispered, holding him tight.

“My head is killing me Jonas, it’s on fire. Something’s wrong. It’s like I have no control. I don’t know what to do. I told my mum! Oh god I told my mum all my sins and now she hates me! Help me, Jonas!”

He let Jonas take him inside then. He gave in and let him take care of him. That was why he was there, why he’d gone to Jonas. Jonas always took care of him.

Things sped up again after that. Matteo had very little awareness of what was happening to him. It all sped by him in flashes here and there. He thought he might’ve ended up at Hanna’s apartment at some point, but he didn’t know how he got there. Everything was just one confusing mess.

For some reason Hanna and Jonas kept trying to get him to go to bed, but he’d never felt so awake. Except he wasn’t alert or focussed. He was wide awake, but everything was blurring together, he didn’t know what was happening to him. He was losing time, losing all sense of everything. He’d never been so scared in his life. He had no idea what was going on, but he knew he was scared. So scared. The only thing that kept him going was the fact that Jonas was by his side. Jonas never left him. He was ok; he was scared, but at least he wasn’t alone.

The next time things were clear, Matteo was blinking awake in a bright, unfamiliar room. He was in a bed that wasn’t his own and everything hurt. There was a lot of noise, he could hear people bustling about outside, but in here at least it was quiet.

He realised he was in hospital. Jonas was next to the bed, half asleep on a chair. 

Matteo looked around and shook his head, trying to stay calm. He hated hospitals.

He turned to stare at Jonas. What the fuck had happened? Why couldn’t he remember anything? His head was absolutely killing him.

“Jonas?” he croaked, trying to stay calm. He could feel the panic building.

“Oh good you’re awake,” Jonas said, yawning and stretching. He didn’t seem particularly concerned, but that did nothing to calm Matteo’s nerves.

“What the fuck? Why am I here?” Matteo asked him.

He vaguely remembered begging Jonas not to bring him to the hospital. Screaming at him that they’d lock him away forever if he did. 

He glanced down at himself, but he wasn’t strapped down. He might still be able to make a run for it, if they tried to get him. Except his whole body hurt. He felt like he’d been hit by a bus. And it was so fucking bright in this room. His head was pounding. Why the hell were these places always so bright?

“They’re keeping you in, they want to assess you, but you should be allowed home tonight,” Jonas explained.

Or perhaps he thought he was explaining, but all he was doing was further confusing Matteo. He was starting to get scared. His fucking head was killing him. He had no idea what was going on. What the hell had he done to himself? Had he blacked out? Everything was so blurry and he couldn’t get a grasp on any of his memories.

“What?” he choked.

“You’ve been here a few days. They want to assess you, a psychiatrist I mean,” Jonas told him.

Matteo tried not to panic. They were going to lock him away. Oh god this was really it. He was never getting out of here. He’d been fearing this day since he was twelve years old and curled up in the bathtub screaming to drown out his racing thoughts. He’d thought he’d have a little longer. He’d been trying to hide this for so long.

“Jonas what?” 

Matteo looked down at himself, trying to figure out what had happened. He was in his own pyjamas and there wasn’t any blood. His head hurt and his neck ached. Oh, and his hands, his hands were on fire. They were all bandaged up. 

Matteo couldn’t remember what had happened to him, and that was terrifying. He’d done something to himself. Hurt himself.

“Did I- what the fuck happened to me?”

“Matteo I didn’t know what was going on with you, I was trying to help you. I couldn’t keep you in, you needed out, but you were so fast-”

Matteo felt ill, he thought he might throw up with it. He was so scared now.

“What did I do? God, Jonas what?”

Jonas seemed to realise what Matteo was thinking, he shook his head.

“Oh no! No, you didn’t… no that. You kept having all these ridiculous ideas. You ran off to a play park and you tried to skateboard down a slide. You fell and hit your head and fucked up your hands. That’s why I brought you here, I know you didn’t want to, but you were hurt, badly. But then you were behaving so erratically, the nurses really struggled, they tried to give you meds and then suddenly it all stopped. You crashed, and it was like there was nothing, all that energy gone. And then you just cried and cried,” Jonas said.

Realising what happened to him seemed to increase the pain tenfold, he didn’t remember the accident, but he could imagine it and it made him wince. 

“Fuck I- yeah I remember.” He remembered the wave of exhaustion settling over him as he finally calmed down. As all the energy he’d had for days dissipated in a flash.

He remembered the nurse trying to pick the gravel out of his hands, and the overwhelming sadness he felt when she was so kind to him. God it was more than sadness wasn’t it? He remembered crying for hours and screaming for Jonas to leave, for everyone to leave. He remembered begging for it to be over. 

He realised that it still wasn’t over and he started to cry again.

“What’s wrong with me?” he asked through his tears.

“They er… they think you might be bipolar,” Jonas told him reluctantly.

Everything went colder then, darker, he started to shake uncontrollably. That was it, then.

“Oh god Jonas no, no.” 

Matteo sobbed even harder. Everything was ruined. He was ruined. He’d had a small chance of getting out, of getting his life on track. A tiny chance at happiness and now his fucked up brain was going to take that all away from him. It was over.

“It’ll be ok,” Jonas said.

Matteo supposed he was going for soothing, but he didn’t feel very soothed.

“I fucked everything up,” Matteo said.

“Nothing is fucked up, nothing is unfixable, we will get through this,” Jonas promised him.

“I’m so sorry for everything,” Matteo said, sitting up, begging Jonas to forgive him. For this and for everything.

“Do you really hate me?” Jonas asked quietly.

Of course he didn’t. He remembered saying it, though. Borne of jealousy and frustration that Jonas would never see him the way he wanted to be seen. Never love him the way he wanted to be loved.

“I hate that I love you. I hate that you can’t love me back the same way, but no I don’t hate you,” Matteo admitted.

“I can’t, but I do fucking love you Matteo and I’m not going anywhere ok? I’m going to stick through you with this ok?” Jonas said.

“I can’t… I can’t end up like her,” Matteo said.

That was always his greatest fear. Because he’d been through this before, a few times now, never this bad, but he knew it was the same. And he’d never dared to tell anyone. Because he knew what it was. Not that it was bipolar, but that something was wrong with his brain. Just like his mother. And that if anyone knew they would leave him. Everyone would leave and he would be all on his own. And that thought, more than any of this that was happening right now, that thought was the single most terrifying thing he could imagine.

“You won’t ok? But you gotta let them help you,” Jonas said.

“God, I feel like fucking shit,” Matteo said. 

He laid back and groaned tiredly. 

He thought he’d only hit his head, but it felt like he’d fallen off a ten-storey building. And that was just the physical aspect, mentally he was absolutely drained. He felt like he had nothing left. He didn’t know how to get it back, how to get better. He didn’t know how long this was going to last or whether he was even strong enough to make it through.

“I know, but this will pass ok? I’ve been reading up on it, and we’ll learn about this together,” Jonas said.

Matteo could already tell Jonas was going to be a pain in the ass about this, but he couldn’t help but appreciate it. God no wonder he loved him, his friend loved so hard, cared so much. He wished he could stay. Matteo wished he could keep him. He would hold on to him for as long as he could, but he knew in the end Jonas leaving him was inevitable.

“Where’s Hanna?” Matteo asked, wondering if he’d already lost her. He desperately hoped not. He knew he’d been a shitty friend to her, but he regretted everything. He hated the person jealousy made him.

“She’s gone home, she’ll be back soon though,” Jonas told him.

Matteo frowned, but he felt so relieved. He didn’t get this, didn’t understand why these two didn’t hate him already. Why they wasted their time trying to take care of him when he was such a hopeless case. 

“Why?” he asked.

“Because she loves you too, ok?”

“Did she tell you what I did? That I told that girl about her?” Matteo asked, he couldn’t keep this secret any longer, he couldn’t keep any more secrets. He’d held onto all of this for so long it had ended up twisting him up inside, building and building until it exploded out of him.

“No, you told me that,” Jonas said.

“I’m so sorry,” Matteo whispered.

“I know,” Jonas assured him.

“I’m so fucking sorry Jonas, I don’t even know why I did it, I was jealous. I just thought why should she get you, you know? If I had you, I would never kiss anyone else,” Matteo said. 

God, he was being petty now. Hanna had been drunk and stupid, he knew he shouldn’t be shitting on her like that.

“I don’t know Matteo, you’re pretty slutty when you’ve had a drink,” Hanna said, stepping into the room.

“Fuck off not I’m not,” Matteo muttered, but he finally smiled properly. 

It had been so long it hurt his face. Hanna smiled back and when he raised his arms, she stepped close and hugged him tight. When she stepped back, she stroked his hair from his face. 

“Ok?” she asked gently.

“Not really,” he told her. 

She nodded and sat down next to Jonas.

Jonas just smiled fondly him and Matteo was reminded of exactly why he had this problem.

“Matteo I told you already that I’m over it, ok?”

Matteo just tried to cover his face, but Hanna took his hands and held them gently in her own, taking care not to tug on his bandages. “I wish I’d known how much we were torturing you. But I did know it was shitty to keep pulling you in, keep bringing it up when I knew how you felt,” she said.

“You knew?”

“I… I figured it out,” she said gently. “Hey… hey… it was nothing obvious ok?” she added, when she realised that would make him panic. “No one knows anything. I just… you clearly weren’t into me Matteo,” she said, smirking at him.

Jonas sniggered at that, and Hanna kicked him. “I don’t know what you’re so smug about, you could do way better Matteo,” she said.

“I’m not in love with you,” Matteo said to Jonas.

Jonas spluttered at that, he actually looked upset. “What the fuck?” he demanded.

“I thought I was, but I think it was just… it was feelings… and I didn’t like that you were with Hanna and I missed spending as much time with you and… I think I just wished it was you because how fucking easy would that be? You’re the only person who knows me, properly. I do love you though, and I could easily fall for you, but honestly I’m just fucking lonely,” Matteo said.

Hanna smiled and patted his knee. “You don’t have to be,” she assured him.

Jonas looked a bit put out, but not upset. Matteo smirked at him.

“Was it the kiss?” he asked.

“It was a bit shit yeah,” Matteo said, “you are not a good kisser.”

He knew that wasn’t fair, he’d pretty much attacked Jonas.

“Fuck off Matteo I’m the best kiss you’ve ever had. You just took me by surprise.” 

“It can only get better from here,” Matteo said.

Jonas laughed. “Tell him I’m a good kisser, Hanna,” he demanded.

“No comment,” she said, grinning.

This was the most civil they’d been to each other in a long while. Typical that it would take something like this. Matteo supposed it put their shit in perspective. He realised that it was the same for him.

“Nah, it was… it’s all in perspective now. I thought how I felt for you was intense, but it’s not, not compared to everything that’s just happened,” Matteo explained.

“Things aren’t supposed to be that intense Matteo,” Jonas told him.

“No,” he agreed, “but more intense than any of that is how fucking grateful I am that you’re my friends. I don’t want that to change ok?”

“It won’t,” Jonas promised.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Hanna added.

“It’s going to be hard,” Matteo said, wiping his face.

“It is, but we’re sticking with you,” Jonas said.

“Ok,” Matteo mumbled. 

Jonas took his hand and held it gently. “You’re going to be ok,” he promised him.

“I can’t go home,” Matteo said.

“You can come stay with me it’s fine,” Jonas offered.

“No Jonas,” Matteo said.

There was no way he could go live with Jonas now, not after everything that had just happened. Plus, he didn’t think he could stand Jonas’ parents fussing over him, reminding him of everything he didn’t have at home. Jonas’ mum had always looked after him. When he was a little kid he’d delighted in it, didn’t think it was weird at all. He just thought Jonas’ house was amazing. As he got older, he realised that Jonas’ mum and dad weren’t these miraculous super parents. They were great, but they were also just doing what Matteo’s parents should have been doing for him. 

And after that it felt bittersweet every time Jonas’ mum asked him if he was eating, or how school was. Every time Jonas’ dad punched him on the shoulder and told him he was getting taller, Matteo wanted to cry. He’d also wanted to go home to his dad and yell at him to step up.

“Or stay with Hanna then,” Jonas said.

“Yeah it’s fine honestly,” she said.

“I can’t,” Matteo said.

He loved Hanna; he did. He believed her when she said she forgave him, but he didn’t forgive himself yet. Hanna was so loving and kind, and he didn’t deserve that yet.

“Well, you’ll stay with one of us until we find you a place,” Jonas said, in a tone that left no room for arguments. 

Matteo had to accept that Jonas was going to take care of him for a while, Hanna too.

“Did I fuck up at school?” Matteo said, trying to think of what had gone on. He remembered kicking off in class before he went home and kicked off at his mum. It was all a bit muddled. God, he’d probably made a fool out of himself in front of everyone.

“Apparently you yelled at your Spanish teacher, called him a condescending prick and walked out,” Jonas said, amused.

“Fuck,” Matteo muttered. “Oh… I answered in Italian by mistake and he mocked me.”

He was a condescending prick. It wasn’t easy for him and he didn’t need to be a dick about it.

“Asshole,” Jonas said, smiling at him. “Just take some time off regroup, ok?”

“I’m so fucked, Jonas,” Matteo said, covering his face with his free hand.

“Every thing will be ok,” Jonas assured him. 

The door opened, and a lady stepped into the room. Matteo assumed she was a doctor. She looked kind, but his anxiety immediately spiked. The nausea was back and his heart rate was increasing. It was a good job he wasn’t hooked up to a monitor, it would be going crazy.

“Hello,” she said.

Matteo pulled his hand back from Jonas.

“My name is Agata, can we have a little chat?”

“No,” Matteo whispered, starting to tremble. He took a shaky breath and tried to stay calm.

“I’ll make it as painless as possible,” she said.

“Can I stay?” Jonas asked.

Hanna was already standing up and ushering Jonas out of his seat.

“No,” Matteo said.

This was going to be fucking hard, but with Jonas there it would be impossible. He wouldn’t be able to speak, and Jonas would try to answer for him. Which was what he wanted, but he knew that Agata wouldn’t allow that. Plus, there was some stuff that he didn’t want Jonas to know yet. Whether Agata could get it out of him, he didn’t know, but with Jonas there she definitely wouldn’t. Hanna nodded and led Jonas to the door, giving him some privacy.

“I’ll be right outside,” Jonas promised as he stepped outside.

Agata sat down in the seat he’d vacated. She didn’t say anything, so Matteo glared at her.

“Are you a shrink?” he asked.

“I’m a psychiatrist, yes,” she said, not put off by his aggressive tone.

He wasn’t aggressive, not really, he was just trying to get her to give up and leave him alone. He rolled his eyes; he knew what she was doing, being nice to trick him into talking.

“Do you know why I’m here?” she asked.

“Because you think I’m fucked in the head?” Matteo guessed darkly.

“No,” she said calmly.

He hated how people could stay calm while he felt like on the edge of another breakdown.

“Because I fucked up?”

“How did you fuck up?” she asked.

He wondered why she wasn’t taking notes. Wasn’t she supposed to be analysing him? She had a notebook there with her, but she hadn’t written anything yet. He remembered his mum telling him time and time again never to talk to doctors, that they would steal his thoughts. Maybe he was getting paranoid like her.

“Everything got messy, I don’t remember ask Jonas,” Matteo suggested. 

It was true he didn’t remember anything from the last few hours.

“I’ve already spoken to Jonas,” Agata said, reaching for her notes now.

He thought he might understand the purpose, she would compare what he said to what Jonas said. She’d believe Jonas over him because Jonas wasn’t crazy.

“Then you know everything,” Matteo said, shrugging and looking away from her.

“I know what Jonas saw, I need to know what you remember,” Agata said, she tapped his wrist to get him to look at her.

He reluctantly looked over at her. He didn’t know how she was doing that, compelling him to look at her and talk to her, but it was working. Maybe he was just so tired of being quiet. It was exhausting keeping everything in. It would build and build and then explode out of him painfully. Maybe it would make things easier to talk.

“Nothing,” he mumbled.

“Ok what’s the last thing you remember?” she asked.

“Kissing Jonas,” Matteo told her, trying to keep his tone even and bored. He couldn’t let her see she was upsetting him. It wasn’t really her that was upsetting him, it was the memory of what he’d done. He hadn’t wanted to kiss Jonas, not like that, not when he was completely out of control.

Agata looked down at her notes and frowned. “That was ten days ago,” she said, concerned.

She was right to be concerned, what the fuck? His composure broke immediately. That made no sense. Jonas said he’d only been in the hospital three days. How the hell had he lost so much time? It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, though. This had happened before, and every single time was just as terrifying as this. He hated it. He refused to believe her. He couldn’t deal with this.

“Fuck off no it wasn’t,” he said, sitting up and staring down at her.

“Yes, I have it here,” Agata insisted.

“No. No, that’s not right. How long have I been in here then? Did you drug me?” he demanded.

Maybe he’d been in here longer. Maybe his mum was right and they would drug him up and feed him lies.

“You’ve been in here for three days,” Agata said calmly.

“Fuck!” 

How the hell had he lost so much time? Six days? He didn’t remember a thing. Nothing. The last thing that was clear was standing outside Jonas’ house. Everything else was just flashes, blurry at best. Six whole days, completely unaware. He was scared. That was absolutely terrifying. 

He tried to stay calm, but he couldn’t. He clung to sheets. Even though it hurt his hands, it was grounding him.

“You hit your head pretty hard. You had a concussion, which is likely why you don’t remember how you hurt yourself or getting to the hospital. Do you remember anything before that?” Agata asked him.

He tried, but it was hard, everything was so fuzzy. It hurt to try and recall it. He didn’t think he could. But slowly, very slowly, some stuff started coming back.

“I was with Jonas for what six days?”

“Yes, he didn’t know what to do. He and Hanna tried to take care of you, at her apartment,” Agata said, reading through her notes.

Matteo couldn’t do this, couldn’t talk about this with her, he was too scared, he couldn’t breathe. He’d thought maybe she’d just give him a pill, drug him up and be done. This was so much harder. He was so scared now. He didn’t think any pill would work on this. He was beyond help. He’d just blown through six days in seconds.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he said, trying to catch his breath.

“Matteo, stay calm,” Agata said, placing a gentle hand on his wrist. It helped, he tried to fight it, but it helped.

“No!”

“Matteo,” she said gently. 

She reminded him of his mum, back when she was normal. Her voice was gentle, but stern, like she knew best. He used to get wound up as a kid all the time. His mum always sounded the same when she calmed him down. She would wait it out with him until it passed. He could tell Agata would too, that that was all they could do, and it calmed him.

He closed his eyes and tried to piece together the missing stretch of time. His head throbbed, but he was pretty sure that was from his fall.

“I do remember some stuff,” he said.

“Yes?”

“I remember being at Hanna’s, they tried to take care of me? Make me eat and sleep and stuff, but I wouldn’t. I was just going on and on about shit and I tried to cook for Hanna because she was trying to make me eat. But I tried to cook too many things, and it got burnt. I remember I was going to pick up the pan and Hanna screamed and pulled me away. She was scared of me. They both were,” he said.

“I’m sure they were very scared for you, they had no idea what they were doing, but they did a good job keeping you safe,” Agata said.

“Did Jonas tell you about my mum?” Matteo asked her.

“Yes, that’s why they didn’t bring you to the hospital right away, they should have, keeping you home without proper help was a big risk,” she said.

But they both knew how terrified he was of hospitals, terrified of being locked away. The heart of that fear stemmed from his dad yelling that very threat to his mum time and time again. He’d always been scared that the threat applied to him too. That he’d find out about him and send him away. It would be easier, surely. He was just a kid; he didn’t get a say. So he’d kept quiet, hidden his shit. Hell, when he’d hurt himself or got sick, he’d never told anyone, just hidden in his room until it passed. 

He’d googled how to strap up broken fingers when he was twelve. They’d never quite healed right. 

When he’d had the flu once, he’d just curled up in bed until he was delirious with it. Jonas’ mum had intervened that time. His own parents weren’t around. His mum had a temporary stay in a facility and his dad had left him to it. He was scared his dad would put him in the same place if he found out. Thank god Jonas had come to check up on him. He’d almost died of fever. Thank god for Jonas, every time. His mum took care of him, calling a doctor out to see him there, instead of torturing him with a hospital visit. When it passed, he made Jonas swear no matter what happened, he would never take him to the hospital. He understood why he had this time, though.

“None of what I remember since the kiss feels real. It’s like… it’s like, it’s all compressed, like it can’t possibly have been six days,” he said, trying to make sense of what was in his head. 

Maybe Agata could help him figure it out. He supposed he had to trust her.

“You’ve lost your sense of time?” she asked.

“Yeah it’s… in the memories it feels like it all happened at once, like simultaneous, and like it was only a couple of hours,” he said.

She nodded and jotted something down, but he could tell she was paying attention to him.

“That’s bad isn’t it?”

“It’s not bad, but it sounds very unpleasant,” Agata said.

It wasn’t unpleasant; it was downright terrifying. He’d lost all sense of what had happened. Thank god he’d been with Jonas, he was even more grateful that his best friend was so loyal. The other times it wasn’t as bad as this, but he wondered if that was just because he didn’t remember, without Jonas there helping him.

“Jonas said they think I’m bipolar,” Matteo said. 

He was tired of waiting; he wanted his diagnosis, and he wanted out. Whatever it was, his life was ruined, so he might as well get it over with.

“Yes,” Agata said, not giving anything away.

“Why?”

“I think what you were experiencing was possibly a manic episode,” she said.

Matteo’s heart sank, being resigned to it didn’t soften the blow at all. Because manic episode meant it would happen again. Hell, they’d been happening for a while. Having a name for it didn’t make it less scary.

“Oh,” he mumbled.

“Yes, from what you’ve just told me and from what Jonas described, the signs are there,” she continued.

“But…”

He didn’t want this, but was there any point fighting this? He wanted to. Maybe he should be trying harder to convince her nothing was wrong with him. He was good at that. He’d been doing it for years. But he was so exhausted with pretending. He was reluctant to let her, but deep down he knew he needed help. And he wanted it. God, he wanted someone to help him. He just wanted to be happy, he just wanted help.

“It can take a long time to get a diagnosis. But I think we caught you at the right time. Your manic episode, while scary for you and your friends, wasn’t extreme. You stayed inside when they asked you to, although it took a lot of convincing. You were very loud and very excitable, doing odd things, but you trusted them, that they were taking care of you. That’s a very good thing. In the end Jonas had to let you outside because you were far too restless, you were going to run regardless. Unfortunately, that’s when you got hurt,” Agata explained. “Perhaps he should have tried harder not to let you have his skateboard.”

“I used to skateboard a lot, I’m actually quite good,” Matteo told her. 

He felt compelled to clarify this. He was pretty embarrassed at falling so badly, but in his defence he was clearly out of his mind. That significantly impacted his skateboarding skills.

“I can imagine you are, when you have a sense of self preservation,” she said, smiling at him.

“Actually, that’s kind of a hindrance in skateboarding,” Matteo said.

She chuckled at that.

“Then what happened?” Matteo asked her. He wanted to fill in the gaps get a full picture of what happened. He didn’t want to ignore this. It was so hard, but he needed to know.

“They brought you here,” she told him.

“I was still…”

“You were still manic,” she confirmed.

“Were you there?”

“No, no, they didn’t know this at first, they thought you were on drugs,” she said.

“I wasn’t, it felt a bit like I was though,” Matteo said.

“Yes, Hanna assured them you hadn’t taken anything, that she’d been with you the whole time. But you were very panicky and they couldn’t get you to sit still, so they gave you a mild sedative and an anticonvulsant,” Agata told him.

Damn, no wonder he felt so rough. In addition to the bumps and bruising, he’d been drugged up and was probably still coming down.

“I was fitting?” he asked, startled.

“No, but you were exhibiting muscle jerking. You gave your poor brain quite the knock, swelling on the brain often causes fits and seizures so it was a precaution,” she explained.

He tentatively raised his hand to his head and winced. It was still very tender. He realised he was probably pretty lucky that he hadn’t done some serious damage.

“Ok.”

“Sedatives and anticonvulsants can also be used to bring someone out of a manic episode,” Agata explained.

Everything started to click then. It was pure coincidence that they’d figured it out. “Oh, I calmed down?”

“Almost immediately, that’s when the consultant looking at your head called me, figured you needed a psych assessment.”

“Oh,” Matteo whispered.

“But you needed to sleep it off, so I let you rest, I work at the hospital a few days a week, so I just kept popping in,” she explained.

“Is it definitely bipolar?” Matteo asked.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out, but I think so. Like I said before, it is tricky to diagnose because essentially we have to catch you in the manic episode which we did, but we also need to see the depression side of it too,” she explained.

“Oh,” he whispered.

“How are you feeling right now?” Agata asked.

“Tired,” he said. 

That didn’t even begin to cover it, but she nodded as if she understood. He felt more exhausted than ever; he didn’t think he’d ever felt this tired; it was pervasive. It wasn’t just the drugs. It was physical, mental, emotional. He was completely drained.

“Ok, but mood wise?”

“Like... like shit, but I always feel like this,” Matteo said.

“For how long?”

“I don’t know, a long time,” Matteo said.

He couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t feel at least a little bit like this. He supposed there must’ve been a time when he didn’t, but it must have been a long time ago. He’d felt sad on some level for years.

“Ok ok,” she said.

“So what does it mean?” he demanded.

“When you say you feel like shit can you elaborate?”

“Just… everything shit isn’t it? It’s this exhausting hopelessness. Nothing lifts it. I drink and smoke, but it only helps a little. The very next day it’s back and I can just see it getting worse and worse. This is my life. What’s the fucking point of going on? Like nothing is ever going to get better for me, and I’m a bad person, this is all I get, a shit fucked up life,” he said.

“Ok hold that thought, Matteo, have you ever thought of or taken steps to end your own life?” she asked.

He shook his head slowly, even though it hurt. He had, though. Thought about it. All lot. When he was all alone, on days where everything felt particularly hopeless. It seemed like his only option sometimes. But he’d never done anything. He didn’t think he would, but if this got worse, he couldn’t be sure. He told her this, and she just nodded, writing it all down.

“Right now?” she asked.

“No… I don’t want that right now. I never want it, but no, not right now,” he said.

She believed him, he could tell. Right now everything was hard and terrifying, but he didn’t want to die.

“Why are you a bad person?” she asked.

“I do bad shit,” Matteo said.

“What sort of shit?”

He tried to stay calm, but she was pushing a lot. He got why she was, but it felt like she was arguing with him, trying to convince him he wasn’t bad. It was a hopeless fight.

“I broke my friends up because I was jealous,” he admitted.

“And you believe you deserve a bad life because of this?”

Obviously. How could she not see that?

“I yelled at my mum,” he added.

“Anything else?”

“I’m gay?”

“Ok, ok, Matteo,” she said with a sympathetic sigh. “You are a teenage boy, shit is hard for you, but you are not a bad person and you deserve for things to be easier. I can help you with that.”

“You’re going to drug me up?” Matteo asked.

“Maybe,” she said.

“Probably?”

“Probably,” she admitted.

“God. Fuck.”

“Firstly, I need to check a few more things, this manic episode-”

“So that’s definitely what it was?”

“Not definitely, but probably,” she said.

“This is all very fucking imprecise,” Matteo muttered.

“Welcome to the human mind Matteo,” she said.

He smiled a little despite himself. She was good. He did like her.

“Have you ever felt like that before?”

“Manic?”

“Yes, like what you’ve just experienced?”

He sighed.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“How many times?”

“A few, it’s… been happening more and more. I think maybe sometimes it’s not as bad as this, so I’m not sure if that’s what it was, but… the last time it was bad like this was just after my dad left a few months ago. And before that, another one was when I was about fifteen. I don’t… I don’t remember what happened, but it felt like time was going by really quick. Jonas went away for the whole summer and when he came back… I just… I lost the summer. I don’t know what happened… it felt compressed again, I don’t think I did anything wild, but I don’t think I slept at all I would just wander around at night and I remember screaming, which is weird for me because I hate making noise but I screamed all summer I had to let it out, but no one heard me. And I remember climbing bridges and tall buildings just to feel alive and fighting with my dad all the time and… I dunno, I don’t know if that was this… but it felt like it now. But… there have been other times, last month I stopped sleeping for days, I just had to keep cleaning the house, but that wasn’t normal, I know that,” he explained. It was all so confusing, he didn’t know how to distinguish or explain these moods he got.

“It’s possible quite possible that those things were mania or hypomania, I would say probable,” she said.

“So are you going to drug me?”

“I’m not going to force you to take anything, at this point it is your choice, but I do suggest mood stabilisers and antidepressants,” she said.

“God and if I don’t?”

“This will probably happen again, and worse, until we have no choice but to medicate you whether you want it or not,” she said.

At least she was honest. He needed that. He believed her. He didn’t want this to happen again; it was awful, feeling that out of control. And it was only getting worse.

“Fucking fuck,” he muttered.

“I know it’s hard-”

“No, you don’t!” Matteo yelled. He winced immediately at his own volume. “Shit! Shit! Help me, please don’t knock me out-”

“Matteo, Matteo, listen to me, it’s ok. What’s happening right now is just panic. I think you also have anxiety, that’s a separate issue. So breathe with me. No one will sedate you again. You are not a danger to anyone, including yourself, the only reason they sedated you before was because they were worried about your head,” she said.

He’d lost control again, and he hated it.

Matteo kept breathing until he felt his heart rate come back under control.

“Ok?”

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“You’re a quiet guy, aren’t you?” 

“Yeah.”

“Scared?”

“All the fucking time,” he said.

She nodded.

“Try the mood stabilisers for me ok? What I want to do is help you get back in control, and we can, the anxiety too.”

“Ok,” he said. He wanted to stay in control. He wanted not to be afraid anymore.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Do I have to keep seeing you?”

“Yes, but not that often,” she assured him. “I would like you to start seeing a therapist, your depression seems pretty persistent so I want to work on that, and you might not even have to stick to the antidepressants,” she explained. “And therapy can definitely help you deal with your anxiety, rationalise it and reduce it.”

“For fuck sakes,” he muttered.

“I can tell you don’t like to talk much, but you just let the therapist know that, they’ll be able to work with you,” Agata said.

“How do I find one?”

“I have a list for you,” she said, placing it on the little table beside the bed.

“Ok thank you,” Matteo mumbled.

He really was grateful, but he was also exhausted. All he wanted to do was sleep for a year.

“I’m going to let you rest ok? I’ll get them to do some bloodwork and when you’re discharged they’ll have an appointment for you, I’ll see you then, and we can look at how to handle this. You can be ok Matteo,” she promised.

“Thanks,” Matteo said.

He hated all of this, but he couldn’t help feeling relived too. She thought he had a chance. And she knew about this stuff, understood it, he couldn’t help but believe her.

“No problem, I’ll send Jonas and Hanna back in?”

“You should send them home,” Matteo said.

“They want to be here, Matteo, let them in,” Agata said. “Always let them in. I can prescribe all the medicine in the world, but there’s nothing as good as people who love you.”

She was talking bullshit now, but he did understand what she was saying, it would be easier for him if he didn’t try so hard to do this alone.

“Ok.”

What a fucking mess everything was. Here he was just as crazy as his fucking mum. And so angry too, he still felt angry and out of control and he hated it. He hated how much he hated her right now. He loved her so much, but right now he was beyond angry at her for not being a better parent. Either of them. Would he be in this mess if they’d just cared a little more? But then he wasn’t exactly a model son, was he? He was a fuck up, just like his dad said. Oh, he would be delighted to hear that not only did he have a crazy ex wife but a crazy son too. If he hadn’t written them off before, he definitely would now. Well, fuck him. Matteo didn’t need him. 

He didn’t need anyone. He was going to have to get used to being alone. Because no one was going to stick around now. Not when they realised what he was. 

Jonas and Hanna walked back into the room then and took their seats again. Neither of them spoke, seeming to realise Matteo was going through something right now. 

Jonas wouldn’t stay. 

Hanna wouldn’t stay. 

They’d all leave him, and then he’d be all alone. He couldn’t go it alone. He couldn’t. 

He felt his eyes burning and he couldn’t help it; he let out a sob. Then he was weeping uncontrollably. 

Jonas pulled him into his arms and held him through it. Matteo knew Jonas would leave eventually, but for now he held on to his best friend with all he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sneak peak for the next chapter:
> 
> He looked up, just as a boy dressed in black crossed his path. He had headphones on, blocking out the world. He had the right idea, there was nothing here worth taking in. Except perhaps this boy. Matteo had never seen him before, but there was something about him, something that stopped him from looking away.  
> He kept staring as they got closer and closer. The boy was staring back he realised, it was like neither of them could look away. Who the hell was he? Matteo wanted to know every single little thing about him. He felt compelled somehow. He wanted to see him smile, hear him laugh. He wanted to make him laugh, talk to him, get to know him. He wanted to unwrap the mystery of the boy in black. He was important and Matteo had no idea why, but just as they passed each other he realised something. This boy was hiding. Just like him. But the boy could see him, he could see Matteo. Matteo felt like he was seeing through every one of his walls, his defences, seeing exactly what Matteo always tried to hide. And yet he found he didn’t mind so much.


	2. the weight is crushing down on my lungs, i know i can't breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo had been feeling pretty apathetic for a while. Nothing interested him, hell even when the police showed up at the party he couldn't muster up fear. The only reason he'd even ditched the weed was because he didn't want the hassle. He was feeling something now though. Something other than anger or frustration. It was quiet interest, curiosity, but it was the most he'd felt in a long time. Who was this boy who had him feeling this way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real warnings in this one. Matteo has a small panic attack at the beginning of the chapter, but he comes out of it quickly.

Matteo hated parties. He hated the lights, the noise, the people. He hated that he couldn't drink or smoke to black any of it out. He hated that Sara was drunk and all over him. He hated that Jonas was watching him worriedly. He hated that his best friend wasn't drinking or having fun, just because he wasn't.

He looked down at Sara in his arms and sighed. She was pretty out of it. She liked a drink did Sara. Matteo was almost jealous. He didn't know why she drank so much, what she was hiding from, but he wished he could hide from his problems in the same way. He knew if he did that, his problems would be a lot worse.

"Kiss me," she demanded.

"I'm not feeling too good, I'm gonna head to the bathroom," he said, passing her over to Leonie.

"Matteo," Leonie warned.

"I just... I need a break from all this," he said.

It wasn't a lie either, and she knew it, everyone did. They knew he couldn't deal with all this party shit. Hell, the whole school still regarded him with wariness, like he might go off at any moment. They were careful around him, students and teachers alike.

Matteo hoped this wasn't going to be a frequent thing, that this was just a moving in party. He'd moved out of his mum's for some peace and quiet, not realising he'd moved straight into party central. Although he hadn't really had much choice, it was here or the streets.

He knew that was bullshit too. Both Jonas and Hanna wanted him to move in with them, but he couldn't burden them like that. Not after everything he'd put them through. He ruined their lives, time and time again. He broken up his best friends, destroyed their relationship. All because he was petty and lonely. He didn't care how many times they forgave him; he was a bad person. How the hell could he expect them to look after him? No, he couldn't do that, couldn't put on them like that.

Matteo had no idea why they cared so much. Why they'd stuck around even after he'd gone fucking mental. Jonas kept trying to assure him it wasn't as bad as he thought it was. That it was just because he didn't remember it that it seemed like a big deal. He should try having six full days missing from his memories, it was absolutely terrifying. What he did remember was he'd freaked them both out, screamed in their faces and scared the shit out of both of them. For some reason, even after that, they were both being nothing but kind to him. Still, they were treating him with kid gloves too, probably worried he was on the edge of another breakdown.

His shrink and his therapist had assured him that his meds would help, but he might have another episode, before they took full effect. So that was fun. Bipolar disorder. What a fucking joke. His dad had been right, he was just as crazy as his mum. He hadn't spoken to him since he'd left. He'd texted him, saying he need rent. That was it. His dad had called a few times, probably wanting to know why he should pay. Matteo had replied asking if he wasn't going to pay it could he let him know, because he was pretty much homeless and he needed to make a plan. Three more unanswered phone calls from his dad, and finally the money was in his account.

He hadn't spoken to his mum since he'd screamed in her face. Since he'd told her he was gay and a sinner and going to hell. He was too scared. Too scared to let her know about him. So he read her texts, her long bible passages, read them like the punishment they were, and never replied. Jonas had gone over for his stuff, told her her son was ok, but needed space. He had no idea what she thought about that.

Poor Jonas, having to deal with this shit. Matteo had fucked everything up and now his friend was too scared to cut him out of his life. None of it was fair.

He left Leonie and headed to the bathroom, rolling his eyes when Jonas pushed himself up off the wall and followed him.

"What?" he demanded.

"Where are you going?"

"To piss," Matteo said, wrenching the door open and climbing into the bathtub beside Carlos.

To no one's surprise they were talking about sex. It was positions this time. It was always something with them. Matteo didn't much care for it. It was like they had nothing else going on in their dumb brains. Matteo always had a million things going through his mind at once. Most of it worries and fears. How nice it must be to only think about sex. He wished he could think about sex without worrying whether or not he was going to hell.

He took the bag of weed from Abdi and sniffed it.

"Matteo," Jonas warned.

"What? I'm not going to have a fucking episode just because there's weed near me, fuck off," he muttered.

He was being mean. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Trying to push people away. Surely it was easier, push them away now, before they left him. Jonas was persistent though, took it in his stride the idiot. He sat there, staring at the weed in his hands. He hadn't smoked in a while. It had been months. God, he wanted to. So badly. He'd snuck his own stash in, right under Jonas' nose. Just in case. Sometimes this was the only thing that quieted his mind and he needed it, like a security blanket. Weed helped his anxiety, but fucked up his bipolar. Why did his fucking head have to be such a mess?

He spaced out again, ignoring their questions about his and Sara's sex life. He didn't understand why it was so fascinating to them. Not that anything was happening there. Instead, he held the weed in his hands and daydreamed about getting stoned, just feeling chill, forgetting all his shit.

He must've checked out because suddenly the boys were all standing up.

"Give me my weed," Abdi said, holding out his hand.

Matteo just ignored him, leaning back and closing his eyes. He didn't know what he was doing, testing his self restraint perhaps? Torturing himself? Whatever it was when he opened his eyes, they'd all left him. Even Jonas.

He'd vaguely heard them talking about girls. They'd probably gone off to find someone to fuck. Matteo just didn't get it. It was so easy for them. Even if he wasn't fucked in the head, he'd still never get that. He may have a girlfriend, but she wasn't who he was interested in. He liked boys. And he thought he might just hate himself for that.

Eventually he dragged himself out of the tub and headed back to the party.

It was time to put an end to this. He wanted to go to bed. Hans knew about his condition, Matteo had warned him. Said he probably didn't want him as a roommate. Hans had just asked what he needed from him. Hans could be a lot, had never struck Matteo as particularly calm or sensible, but he sure did care.

He'd seen it that morning when Linn had been panicking because she couldn't find her journal. Hans took her to one side and calmed her down. Then he'd looked at Matteo and smiled. He'd known then that Hans would do the same for him. He may be ridiculous and over the top, but damn it he was kind. And he knew how important it was for him to get regular sleep, so hopefully he would shut this down.

"Matteo police," Linn said, finally dragging him out of his thoughts.

"Huh?" he asked, confused.

"Police," she said, pointing at the two officers that had stepped into the flat.

Matteo just blinked. He was still feeling a bit out of it. What did she want him to do?

"Get rid of them," Linn hissed.

"You get rid of them," Matteo muttered, suddenly remembering the not insignificant quantity of weed he had in his pocket. Fuck.

He looked around wildly.

"Matteo," Linn insisted.

She looked scared. He supposed it was up to him then. How he was supposed to handle this he didn't know.

Then he spotted Amira, and she was wearing a rucksack. Matteo had no idea why, but he figured it was as good a place as any. The police wouldn't search her, she was a goody two shoes. He snuck up behind her and with more stealth than he knew he possessed; he slipped it into her bag.

Not a minute too soon either, the police officer approached him, asking him if he was the tenant. He could barely even focus on what the man was saying. His brain felt like it was slowing down. He was tired; he was fed up. It was too loud. He vaguely pointed at some tall guy in a purple shirt.

Then the police were talking about turning the music down. He had to agree with them; it was too loud in here. He swore he could fucking see the noise it was pulsing so loudly. Things got quieter then, and Matteo breathed a sigh of relief.

He watched Amira leave then, following the police officers out of the door. He vaguely remembered that he needed to speak to her, but he wasn't sure why. His brain had stopped working. Everything was a bit confused in his head. Then the music started again and Matteo was done.

He went to his room and collapsed onto his bed. He screamed into his pillow to drown out the noise. He kept screaming and screaming until he felt the bed dip beside him and Jonas was climbing into the bed.

"Ok Luigi?" he asked gently.

"Nowhere fucking near ok," he admitted, voice rough, his throat raw from all the screaming.

"Sleep now, we'll deal in the morning," Jonas said, pulling the blankets over them.

Matteo sighed and closed his eyes, finally giving into the sleep he'd been fighting since that afternoon.

When Matteo woke up, he felt like hell. Why did he feel so bad? He wasn't allowed to drink or smoke, so why did he feel like he'd partied hard last night? He coughed and winced at the pain in his throat. He felt like he'd swallowed broken glass. He vaguely remembered screaming. That explained his throat and the pounding behind his eyes.

He turned over and found Jonas beside him. He almost wanted to laugh. Just a few months ago what he wouldn't have given to have Jonas in his bed, within touching distance. Now it was all bittersweet. Still, he stared at him for a while. He appreciated this boy so much, everything he did for him. He knew he should show it more, but it was damn hard to be vulnerable like that.

Matteo noted the phone number on Jonas' arm and rolled his eyes. Clearly neither him or Hanna had learnt anything from his little breakdown. They were so fucking selfish. They were so fucking lucky and they were squandering it. All he wanted was to be loved. But who would love him? Who the hell would want to be saddled with him? He was destined to be alone.

He felt his eyes heat up, and he knew he was at risk of spiralling. This happened sometimes.

He took a deep breath and stared around the room, trying to bring himself out of his spiral. He needed to focus on what he could see.

He needed more stuff in his room. It was so empty. It wasn't, not really, but compared to his room at home it felt sparse. He looked up at his books, then to his desk, at all his computer stuff. The chairs in the corner for when his friends came over. It was a nice room.

He switched his focus to what he could feel, the soft sheets beneath his hands. He squeezed them between his fingers, then he reached out and gently ran his shaking fingers through Jonas' hair.

Jonas blinked awake then. He must've been able to tell from Matteo's face that something was up.

"What's wrong?"

"Panicking, scared," he muttered.

Jonas took his hands in his own. Jonas had learnt these techniques alongside Matteo, he knew what to do.

"Focus on me," he said.

Matteo did, he focussed on Jonas' strong grip; he was safe.

Jonas smiled tentatively at him. Matteo didn't return it. He couldn't, not yet. But he squeezed back.

He supposed Jonas wasn't hungover now that he wasn't drinking out of pity for Matteo. At least there was one benefit for him. Still, if he was sober that meant he probably wanted to talk. He'd been trying to talk, constantly pestering Matteo.

"Ok Matteo?"

Matteo shrugged and sat up, wondering how he could get out of this. He knew exactly what Jonas wanted to talk about.

"Saw you with Sara last night," Jonas said.

Ever since they'd gotten together, Jonas was pestering him to end things, trying to remind him of things he wasn't ready to deal with. They weren't even really dating. Sara just liked to kiss him sometimes and in return he got her company, someone who wanted to be with him, despite his shit. He knew he had to put a stop to it, and he would, he just needed a little more time.

"And?"

"And you wanna explain that?"

"What's there to explain? Sara's into me, what am I supposed to do?" Matteo asked.

He knew exactly what he was supposed to do.

"Matteo," Jonas warned.

"Leave it alone, Jonas," he said, staring straight ahead, refusing to look at his friend.

If he did, he knew Jonas would win, would convince him to end it before he was ready.

"You kissed me," Jonas reminded him.

As if he could ever fucking forget. Why couldn't he just let it go?

"Leave it, Jonas," Matteo muttered.

"No Matteo, you kissed me. You told me you were in love with me and now you won't fucking talk about it-"

"I was manic! I was talking bullshit!"

"Matteo-"

"Just fucking leave it, Jonas!"

The door swung open, and Hans burst into the room, jumping onto the bed between them. Matteo couldn't be more grateful that Hans had no clue how to knock on the door.

"It's tense in here," Hans observed, looking between the two of them. "Lover's tiff?"

Matteo rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone for a distraction.

Sara had been texting him. He was pretty surprised. If he'd drunk as much as she had, he'd still be unconscious at this point.

"I'm hungry Matteo, will you go get bread rolls?" Hans asked him.

"Go yourself," Matteo muttered.

Linn wandered into his room. It looked like he was going to have to start locking his door. She was rambling on about pancakes. He wasn't hungry, not this early in the day. His stomach ached. He hadn't really had a proper appetite since he'd started his meds.

Matteo frowned; Hans and Jonas were flirting because of course they were. How wonderful that they were both so fucking comfortable in themselves.

He wasn't dealing with this so early in the morning. He dragged himself out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Jonas asked.

Matteo ignored the hurt on his face. Maybe if he wanted to have a serious conversation, he shouldn't flirt with his roommates. It felt like he was rubbing it in his face. Teasing him. Mocking him.

"Eggs," he muttered. "If you want pancakes, you'll need eggs. Jonas will make them for you," he told Hans.

Hans grabbed his wrist, scrutinising him. Hans was taking this whole caretaker thing seriously. Him and Mia had both promised Hanna they were going to look after him.

Matteo didn't seem to have much choice in the matter.

He didn't need anyone to look after him. He'd been looking after himself for years now.

"You ok Matteo?" Hans asked gently.

Everyone always asked him if he was ok. Even though they had to know he wasn't. It was so clear he was anything but ok. Matteo pulled free of Hans and picked up his little pill box, shaking it and grinning darkly at Hans. He shook his dose into his hand and swallowed it dry.

"Don't worry, I'm medicated," he muttered.

"Matteo," Jonas said.

Matteo ignored him and walked out of the room. It wasn't until he got to the street that he realised he'd forgotten his wallet.

Great.

It was clearly a sign of things to come. He texted Hans and then ignored the messages coming in from Sara. He couldn't deal with her yet. He needed a break. He needed a day off from people, including her. He wondered how long Jonas would be staying. He hoped he'd go home so that he could lock himself in his room. He'd push some boxes in front of the door for good measure. Then Hans and Linn would have to leave him alone too. If they kept trying to get in, then he'd just have to lock himself out on the balcony.

He was dragged out of his thoughts by his wallet hitting him in the back of the head. He whirled round to glare at Hans.

"I yelled at you," Hans said, looking apologetic.

Huh, he hadn't even heard him. That seemed to be happening a lot lately. He was constantly zoning out, losing all awareness.

He picked up his wallet, waved to Hans and headed to the shops. The sooner this breakfast was over with, the better.

It was pretty touch and go whether he went to school the next morning. Getting out of bed had seemed like an impossible task. In the end, it was Hans' fussing that got him out of the apartment. As much as he wanted to stay in bed, he couldn't stand that pouty face.

When Hans suggested they have a spa day instead, to help him relax, that had him out of the apartment pretty quick. He had a feeling Hans was doing it deliberately, but he didn't want to risk it. There was no way he was letting Hans anywhere near his face. Plus, he did kind of need to be here. He needed to get the weed back from Amira, but she wasn't with the other girls.

Still he approached them, trying not to flinch when Hanna pulled him in for a hug then checked him over. He didn't need her fussing. Why did everyone think he needed fussing over?

"Where's Amira?" he asked.

"She's off sick," Sam told him, "nice party the other day," she added.

He was glad she'd had fun. He certainly hadn't. "How sick? When is she back?"

"I don't know?" Sam said, confused.

He realised he was being a bit demanding, he'd never given any indication before that he would care whether Amira was sick or not.

"Just school stuff," he offered by way of explanation.

Sam seemed to buy it, simply nodding. Hanna looked suspicious, but probably not about the Amira thing, just about his general wellbeing.

"Are you ok Matteo?" she asked, proving his point.

"I'm fine just tired," he said, stifling a yawn. He really was tired, there was other shit too, but that wasn't a lie.

"Matteo-"

"I don't need your constant fussing, Hanna," he snapped. "Sorry," he mumbled.

He should be more grateful that she still cared, that she didn't hate him, that she hadn't cut him out of her life. She just smiled at him and opened her arms again. Matteo stepped into them and let her hold him, relaxing into her embrace until he felt in danger of being overwhelmed by his emotions. He closed his burning eyes and pulled away from her.

"I'm ok," he insisted, trying to ignore the wobble in his voice.

"Probably just tired from having to clean up the apartment, right?" Sam offered.

Matteo nodded appreciatively at the out she'd given him.

"I have to get to class," he said, backing away from the two girls.

He didn't really want to go to class, but he was here now, he might as well go. He spotted Jonas and the boys, but turned away. He couldn't face Jonas right now, not after Saturday. Jonas still wanted to talk about it. Matteo just wanted to ignore it. He was well aware that Jonas' approach was probably the healthier one, but right now he couldn't give a shit. He wanted to avoid his problems. That was his choice.

He dragged himself up the stairs and started slowly wandering to his class. He kept his head down, trying to ignore everyone else. They were probably looking at him like he was a head case, wondering if he was going to go crazy again. Jonas insisted no one knew about him, but Matteo wasn't so sure. He'd been in class the day he kissed Jonas. He remembered everything as a blur, remembered everything being a bit too fast, a bit too bright. Amira said he'd been a bit louder, but that was it. He was sure she was just being kind, he'd probably been screaming. He wished they'd just be honest with him, about how bad it had been.

He looked up, just as a boy dressed in black crossed his path. He had headphones on, blocking out the world. He had the right idea, there was nothing here worth taking in. Except perhaps this boy. Matteo had never seen him before, but there was something about him, something that stopped him from looking away.

He kept staring as they got closer and closer. The boy was staring back he realised; it was like neither of them could look away. Who the hell was he? Matteo wanted to know every single little thing about him. He felt compelled somehow. He wanted to see him smile, hear him laugh. He wanted to make him laugh, talk to him, get to know him. He wanted to unwrap the mystery of the boy in black. He was important and Matteo had no idea why, but just as they passed each other he realised something. This boy was hiding. Just like him. But the boy could see him, he could see Matteo. Matteo felt like he was seeing through every one of his walls, his defences, seeing exactly what Matteo always tried to hide. And yet he found he didn't mind so much.

The boy passed him, and Matteo kept walking, but he didn't look away. He kept staring over his shoulder even though he risked tripping. The boy looked back once there was some distance between them. Matteo had no idea what he saw, what he was thinking, but he felt compelled to find out, to know this boy.

He needed to know him.

He'd never wanted to know a person more in his life.

What the hell was going on with him?

Amira was back the next day. Must've been a short sickness. She didn't look particularly ill. Although knowing how much of a nerd she was Matteo wouldn't be surprised if she dragged herself in despite whatever was wrong. He got up from beside Jonas and went to sit next to her.

She ignored him. She was pissed. He wasn't really surprised; it was shitty of him to put the weed in her bag. He did know that now, but he'd been out of it at the party.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"Do you care?" she shot back.

"Yeah actually, don't want to catch anything," he joked.

She gave him a withering glare. He almost flinched at the intensity of her gaze. He didn't though, he just smiled at her, trying his best to be charming.

"Are you, though? I know what you're like, you don't take breaks easily, should you be back so soon?"

Her gaze softened a little at that, he could tell she was fighting it, but he was being sincere, he did care. Amira had been good to him, patient with him when he was trying to catch up with all the school he'd missed. She'd even let him borrow her notes.

"I'm ok," she said.

"Ok," he said.

"Ask for it then," she said.

This felt like a trap.

"Can I have it back?"

"No."

"Amira," Matteo whined.

"Ignoring the fact that you and I both know you can't smoke that shit, how dare you put that in my bag? Do you have any idea the kind of trouble I could've gotten into if I'd been caught?" she demanded.

Matteo had no idea how she expressed so much rage and anger in a whisper, it was terrifying.

"You wouldn't have been caught," Matteo muttered sheepishly.

"Bullshit Matteo, those police officers could've stopped me, which is pretty fucking likely. I just got lucky. I know you think I'm a goodie two shoes, teacher's pet, but it doesn't work like that. Do you have any idea how many times I'm stopped randomly?"

"I'm sorry... Amira I wasn't thinking," Matteo mumbled, feeling terrible. He never fucking thought of the consequences of his actions, he could never see the bigger picture. But he'd never even thought about shit like that. It was vaguely familiar, he remembered Jonas mentioning it once, but he wasn't good at putting two and two together. He could never imagine them wanting to stop Amira. That was why it was so unfair, he supposed.

"And police aside, I'd rather take my chances with them over my parents. What if they'd found it? They would've been so mad at me. They're already so strict, do you have any idea how hard it is to convince them to let me come to these parties? And for good reason, Matteo!"

Matteo blinked at that. He hadn't thought of that either. He understood the risk of the police; it was why he'd dumped it on Amira. He'd forgotten about the risk of her parents. It had been so long since his parents paid him the slightest bit of attention that he'd forgotten what that was like.

"I didn't even think of that," he whispered.

"No, of course you didn't," she hissed. She was really mad, and Matteo was starting to feel uncomfortable. "You never think about anyone but yourself," Amira continued.

"No Amira," he insisted. "I didn't know about the police thing, but your parents... I just... I forgot... what that was like... I know it's a pain, but you're lucky, they clearly care about you, they're probably right to want you to stay away from my parties," he said.

"For fuck sakes, Matteo," Amira muttered. "You can't have it back."

"It's not even mine Amira, I-"

"Matteo and Amira, I presume from your chatter that you already know everything you need to about genetics?" Mrs Borchert asked, coming to stand in front of their desk.

"No," Matteo mumbled, there was no point lying.

"Unsurprising," Borchert said coldly.

Borchert hated him. Most of his teachers either pitied him or treated him like a bomb that was about to go off. Volatile. Borchert just straight up hated him. He wasn't sure why. She didn't seem to want to teach him, didn't want him in her class. She'd found out he was bipolar that was it, he was a bad kid; he was trouble. She was just a prejudiced bitch. All he'd wanted was a little patience while he caught up. He hadn't found that in Borchert's class. In fact, if Amira hadn't helped him, he would've given up.

The first day he'd come back Borchert had talked to him like he was an imbecile. He'd been seconds away from walking out, but Amira had come over to his desk and handed him a stack of papers, told him to catch up. Thing was, she must've had that ready for him, must've been planning to give it to him regardless.

"Then perhaps I should be doing the talking, hm?" Borchert said with a sickly smile.

Matteo just nodded. He glanced over at Jonas who smiled sympathetically. He'd heard Matteo complain about her many times now, he knew the drill. He was sitting next to some girl now, flirting with her, he didn't have an exam in biology, so apparently that meant he didn't care. Matteo supposed he was stuck with Amira then. Or Amira was stuck with him.

He waited for Borchert to go back to the front of the classroom, then turned to Amira. He was getting tired of this; he was running out of steam. "Please, can I have it back? I won't smoke it, I'll just give it back to Abdi," he said tiredly.

She stared at him for a long moment, wondering how she could drag this out, clearly plotting something.

"I'll give it back, if you come to the Abi-prank committee," she said finally.

"Get fucked," Matteo said, almost laughing at the idea.

"It'll do you good," Amira said.

"No."

"No meeting, no weed. And bring your dumb friends, this means a lot to Kiki and the more people there, the better," Amira said, in a tone that left no room for arguments.

That didn't stop him trying, though. He didn't want to go; he didn't do social stuff.

"Come on Amira no," he said.

She just raised an eyebrow. "Friday night six o'clock," she said, smirking at him, knowing she'd won.

"Seeing as you two are getting on so well you can work together," Borchert said, coming back to their desk. "This will be the last grade before the exams, and you'll share it."

Matteo knew they deserved that, they'd been talking all lesson, but he felt bad for Amira. She was a good student; she deserved to work with someone better. That wasn't fair at all.

"Oh no Mrs-"

"Yes, I understand your reluctance Amira, dragging Matteo through this class will not be easy. Tell you what, if and when he fails the grade, I'll give you extra credit, call it an allowance, like care in the community," she said, her tone mocking.

Matteo flushed red and hunched down in his chair, but Amira's attitude changed immediately. She sat up straight in her chair and fixed the teacher with the same cold stare she'd given him earlier. The teacher flinched too.

"What exactly is that supposed to mean?" Amira asked her calmly.

"You know what I mean," Borchert said, "Matteo here is a special case, not exactly academic, and yet I still have to let him in my class, regardless of the fact he's useless at biology."

Matteo wanted the ground to swallow him up. He wanted to cry. Jonas stood up ready to yell, but Amira got there first.

"Perhaps that's a reflection of your piss poor abilities as a teacher, if you don't understand just why he's still here, that you can't recognise the necessity of that. If you're incapable of adapting your teaching methods to support all your students, then what's the point? Seriously? Standing in front of the room and reading from a textbook, hardly groundbreaking stuff," Amira spat.

Fucking hell. He was glad he had her on his side. He glanced at Jonas who looked just as stunned. He looked back at Mrs Borchert; she looked like she was going to explode.

"Both of you out!"

Amira took the papers from her and stood up, marching out of the room.

Matteo followed her confused. "Why did you do that?" he asked when they got outside.

"She doesn't get to talk to you like that. She doesn't get to treat you like that, Matteo," Amira said gently.

"She's right though," Matteo said.

"No, she's not," Amira insisted.

"But I am hopeless, and even if I do learn everything, it doesn't matter, my exams are going to be one big panic attack," Matteo said.

"It'll be ok Matteo," Amira tried to assure him, although she knew as well as he did his anxiety would be his downfall. "And don't worry Matteo, you're going to pass because you're working with me, and I don't allow slacking. You won't need to panic, because you'll know everything," she said.

They both knew it wasn't that simple, but he appreciated her attitude. It helped a little.

"Now take this," she said, handing him the papers, "complete it by next week and don't forget. And I'll see you on Friday at six," she said.

"Dear god," Matteo muttered, she was formidable.

Still, he smiled to himself. He watched her leave and then snuck out of the school. He wanted to go home.

He only had one more class that day, Spanish, and he could speak Spanish pretty well already. What he couldn't do was write an essay in Spanish, or sit an exam in Spanish. How could he when he could barely write one in German?

He just wasn't in the mood, that class was too noisy and he didn't know anyone. He didn't feel like being surrounded by strangers. He felt like a nap.

Matteo was so tired. Exhausted. He wasn't sleeping properly. He would crash out early around ten or eleven, but he'd be awake again at two or three. No matter what he did, he couldn't get back to sleep. He knew this was bad, knew it was important to get good sleep. He wanted to; he didn't want to feel like this, but sleep just wasn't forthcoming.

Right now all he wanted to do was sleep, but Sara was there with him. She was talking about something, rabbiting on, but he found he didn't mind it so much. He couldn't focus on what she was saying, but it was nice having her there, nice to have company. He knew that was shitty; he was just using her. But he didn't want to be alone. Her voice was comforting. It was sending him to sleep. Or it would be, but she kept showing him dresses. He wasn't quite sure why, something to do with the Abiball.

"Well?" she demanded.

"Well, what?" he mumbled.

"Which dress?"

"What do you mean which dress?"

What the hell was she talking about? She'd shown him so many dresses, how was he supposed to know what she meant?

"Which dress do you like better, for Abiball?"

Matteo just stared at her. Ok, her question made sense, but he didn't have an answer for her.

"I don't know," he said.

Sara sighed, upset.

"No, don't Sara, I don't know this stuff. I mean look at how I dress," he said.

She smiled a little at that.

"And look, you could wear anything to Abiball and look good ok?"

He knew he shouldn't say shit like that, it only gave her the wrong idea. But Sara was pretty, he was gay, not blind.

She smiled even wider now.

"Ok, just look again," she said, handing him her phone.

He swiped through the dresses she'd lined up. "The red one then," he said.

She frowned.

"What? Red's my favourite colour. Fine, this pale pink one I guess, that's a nice one," he said, handing back her phone. He was just picking by colour, he was pretty sure there was a lot more to it than that. But even though he had no idea about the different shapes of dresses or whatever it was, the real issue he had was he could really picture them on her. They were just dresses. Still, he wasn't going to volunteer that information, otherwise she'd make him go shopping or something. As if he had the energy for that.

"Ok, I like the pink," she agreed.

"Happy?"

"You're useless at this," she teased.

"Well, I'm sorry, I don't wear a lot of dresses," Matteo argued.

She just smiled and shuffled closer. He hoped she wasn't going to kiss him.

"Will you come with me? To Abiball?" she asked.

He'd been dreading this. For one thing he didn't even want to go to Abiball, what was the point? School was hell, why would he want to celebrate it? But he also couldn't go with Sara, not like she wanted.

He'd gotten together with her right after his last episode, a desperate attempt to convince himself and Jonas that he wasn't gay. It was stupid and selfish and yet here she was still with him. He had no idea why; he wasn't even particularly nice to her. Which made it even sadder. But they weren't really official yet, even though he knew that was what she wanted.

"I... I don't know," he said.

"Matteo," she said sadly.

"It's... it's not really my scene," he tried.

She nodded, seeming to get that. "But are we... are you my boyfriend Matteo?"

"I don't know Sara," he admitted.

He didn't want to lie to her. He was so fucking tired of it all. He hated all of this. He'd gotten himself into this situation, it was no one's fault but his own. He didn't want to date Sara, but he also didn't want to lose this. She cared for him, wanted to be around him, he had no idea why, but he couldn't let this go. He was selfish, but he'd always known that.

"Matteo-"

"Why are you with me Sara?"

"Because-"

"Because I'm a mess, yeah? Why haven't you left me? I would get it if you did, I couldn't exactly complain," he said.

"Matteo," she warned, she always got upset with him when he talked darkly of himself.

"I can't be your boyfriend, I'm barely functioning as a person, I just can't..."

"Matteo," she said gently.

"Please don't leave," he begged selfishly.

Sara wiped her eyes and wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm so sorry," Matteo mumbled.

"Matteo you deserve to be loved ok? I knew you were bipolar when I kissed you at that party, but I also knew you were cute," she said.

That wasn't fair, letting her think it was the bipolar thing, when it was so much more complicated than that. But every time she told him he deserved to be loved it felt so good. What an asshole he was.

"That's why you're with me is it? Because I'm cute?" he asked.

"Well, you've not got much else going for you," she teased.

He just smiled, she wasn't wrong.

"Sara?"

He needed to be a little more honest with her.

"Yeah?"

"I can't be your boyfriend. I'm sorry. It's... there's more to it than the bipolar, I've got some other shit going on. I'll tell you, as soon as I'm ready, I'll tell you." And he would too, he trusted her, and she deserved to know. "But I'm not going to Abiball because I'm not even going to pass the year."

Sara sighed. He wondered if deep down she knew. Maybe not, but she had to have an idea.

"I... I'm not trying to be selfless. I want more than anything to hold on to you, but I can't do that to you," he said.

"Matteo I really like you," Sara insisted, pulling back and staring down at him.

He just stared.

"You don't, do you?" she asked tearfully.

"I really do, but not in the same way," he admitted, as much as it pained him to tell her that he had to. He wasn't going to lie to her.

"Will you change?"

"No," he said.

"Ok," she said.

"Are you going to leave now?" Matteo asked.

"No Matteo, do you want me to leave?" she asked.

"No," he said quietly.

"Do you like spending time with me?" Sara asked.

"Yes," he said. It was the truth. When she wasn't trying to kiss him or get him to be her boyfriend, he genuinely enjoyed her company. He wished that was enough.

"Then I'll stay," Sara said.

Matteo started to cry, he couldn't help it. Sara wrapped him in her arms again. He knew he hadn't fixed anything, if anything he'd made it worse. He knew Sara was hoping he would come around, but if she wanted to stay, he wasn't going to send her away. He couldn't, he wasn't strong enough right now. He just wanted to be her friend, he couldn't bear that he was hurting her.

"Can you just talk about something else? I'm so tired, Sara," Matteo said.

"Ok," Sara said, smiling weakly.

Matteo laid back and watched her think.

"Oh! Leonie has a crush," she volunteered.

"Uh oh, have you warned the guy he's in grave danger?" Matteo asked dryly.

"Be nice, Matteo," Sara admonished. "Hold on," she said, looking through her phone. "This is the guy, he's new," she said, showing him.

Huh, it was the boy from the corridor. Matteo just stared at the picture.

"Does he like Leonie?" he asked.

"No idea, he's super mysterious," Sara explained.

"Oh. Maybe I could find out for you?" he offered.

Matteo had no idea why he'd said that. Well, he did. Since seeing the boy in the corridor, he'd desperately wanted to meet him. And this would be his chance. Not that he had any idea how to meet said mystery boy.

Sara just grinned. "Because you're so smooth."

"Hey, I got you didn't I?"

She flicked his ear for that and he laughed.

"Ok Matteo, you try and find something out, but don't blunder in there and let on that Leonie likes him," she warned.

"I'm not stupid, Sara," he said, closing his eyes.

"Not subtle either," she countered. "Go to sleep ok? I'll stay for a little while."

"Thanks Sara," he whispered.

He didn't deserve her at all; he knew he he should let her go and he would, soon, before this went too far. But for now, he would let her stay. He was too tired to fight her on this right now.

Matteo couldn't believe he was at the stupid meeting. He couldn't believe his stupid friends hadn't shown up and had left him here alone. They knew he hated being around strangers. They were so fucking useless. And now he was there all by himself. It was not fun like Amira said it would be; it was downright painful. Everyone looked uncomfortable. And none of Kiki's ideas were even good.

When she suggested they all got up and held hands, Matteo was done. They probably wouldn't notice if he left, too busy holding hands and singing Kumbaya. He didn't even look back just headed straight to the door and snuck out of the room.

When he turned from the door, he found himself face to face with mystery boy.

Well, Matteo had wanted a chance, and this seemed like it.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you," he said, "they're doing some kind of trust circle. You know holding hands? All that shit. Unless you're into that?" he asked, trying to sound light and teasing, probably coming across eager and desperate.

Mystery boy seemed amused though, he smirked and glanced at their hands, Matteo followed his eyes and blushed.

"No," mystery boy said softly.

Matteo took a deep breath and patted himself down. Bingo. Thank god he still insisted on having a couple of joints with him. It was in case he got overwhelmed. All this fancy meds meant nothing when he was spiralling, weed would at least calm him down enough to get home safely.

In a move braver than he ever thought he was capable of, Matteo pulled out the joint and showed it to the boy. "Fancy a smoke?" he offered.

The boy stared for a moment, then nodded. "Sure," he said.

"Come with me," Matteo said, tucking the joint behind his ear and leading him down the corridor. "What's your name?"

"David, and you?"

"Matteo," he said.

He led them down to the basement. He sometimes snuck down there when he needed to get out of class, but couldn't be bothered going all the way back home. It was somewhere quiet, not as bright as the rest of the building either.

Matteo leant against the wall, watching David. He wasn't saying anything, just watching Matteo back.

After a minute of this he gestured to the joint, still behind Matteo's ear. Shit. He'd already forgotten, to busy staring at David. He really wasn't really supposed to be smoking. Hadn't in a while. Fuck it, what was the worst that could happen?

He took the joint and placed it between his lips, lighting it and taking a long drag. Fuck, it had been a while. He revelled in the burn of it for a moment before passing it to David, watching him take a drag. David clearly wasn't much of a smoker. Coughing a little, trying to hide it. It made Matteo wonder why he'd agreed to come down here with him. He didn't comment, just took the joint again, and they swapped it back and forth for a bit.

Matteo figured he ought to say something. He may not be much of a talker, but he was pretty sure David didn't want to sit here with him in silence.

"So you're new?" he asked him.

"Yeah?" David said, raising an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Just wondered," Matteo muttered, staring down at his feet. He was so shit at this. What even was this? He just wanted to know every thing he could about David. "It's kinda weird," he continued, "you know? Transferring this close to Abi."

Maybe David had the right idea. Maybe he should've done that after his episode, just disappeared. But then would that be any better? Probably not.

"Not really," David said. "I had to move."

"Why?" Matteo asked, feeling a little braver as the weed kicked in.

"I killed someone and had to go into hiding," David said.

He was teasing him, or at least Matteo thought he was teasing him. That couldn't be true.

"Stress with your parents?" he guessed. He knew all about that.

"Yep. That's why they're dead now," David said, taking the joint from him.

Matteo just grinned now. He liked him, the way he talked, he was bullshitting, but Matteo liked it. David was definitely teasing him, but he found he didn't mind so much.

"You have an eyelash, there," David said, pointing.

Matteo felt his face heat up a little, and he brushed at his cheek where David had pointed.

"Do I get to make a wish now?" he asked. That was a thing wasn't it?

David shrugged. "No idea," he said, looking at Matteo strangely.

Great, he'd fucked up somehow. Matteo felt on the back foot in this conversation and he didn't know how to get it back on track.

"I thought I could make a wish now," he tried.

"It was just an eyelash," David said.

"Ok," Matteo whispered, brushing his hand on his jacket.

David still had the joint, and Matteo's hands itched to snatch it from him. He wanted to get properly high now. He couldn't do this sober anymore. He felt like he was mis-stepping all over the place. He felt himself shrinking, trying to make himself smaller. Perhaps he should just leave.

"What would you have wished for?" David asked, voice softer.

"Don't know," Matteo said, refusing to look up at David.

“You must have an idea,” David insisted gently, stepping closer so that Matteo had to look up at him.

He was smiling, encouraging him to speak, but he couldn't exactly answer that one. Not without scaring David away.

"Get out of here maybe? Just disappear," he said.

That wasn't untrue. He did want that. He also wished his brain wasn't fucked up, but he didn't think there were enough eyelashes in the world for that.

David gave the joint back, and Matteo took a big hit, trying to calm his stupid nerves.

"I know that feeling," David said.

Matteo believed him. He probably didn't get why Matteo wanted to run away, but Matteo believed that he got how he felt.

"Where would you go?" Matteo asked.

"It was your eyelash," David reminded him.

He was teasing again, but it was gentler this time. Matteo blushed.

"I don't know, just get in a car and drive away," he said.

The thought really appealed to him, getting away, leaving all this shit behind him. Just go somewhere and start over. Somewhere quiet, perhaps, without all the shit that caused him stress and anxiety.

"Then directly to Detroit," David said.

Detroit? Huh, David had a plan then. Matteo had no plan. The furthest he'd imagined going was Italy, and only because he could speak the language. He didn't bring that up, though. Didn't want to get into it, didn't want to think about his dad either.

"Detroit?" he asked, curious.

"Yeah? Best music city ever," David said, smiling at him.

Matteo never wanted him to stop smiling, would say anything to keep that look on his face.

So David was cool. Matteo had already known that, but it was clearer than ever that he was way too cool for Matteo. He wasn't giving up yet, though.

"Matteo?"

Fuck. Fuck.

He turned to Sara and tried to charm her with a smile.

She didn't bite.

"You're smoking?" she asked, gesturing to the joint in David's hands.

He couldn't exactly lie, he was very clearly stoned. He could feel it. It used to take so much to affect him, now a couple of puffs and he felt out of it.

"Is this yours?" she demanded of David, snatching it out of his hand.

"Er... yeah," David said, lying for him.

Matteo appreciated David covering for him, but he knew it was pointless. Matteo liked Sara, he did, but he hated when she got like this.

"It's mine," he said.

"Where did you get it? You know you're not supposed to be smoking," she said.

"I thought you wanted to be my girlfriend, not my fucking nurse," Matteo snapped.

Sara looked like he'd slapped her, her eyes immediately filling with tears. But Matteo wasn't done, he was fucking fed up of being treated like glass, like an invalid. The weed did nothing to stop this temper of his. He thought he was supposed to be more stable, but lately he'd been feeling more volatile than ever.

"I am capable of making my own choices you know? I'm not so fucking crazy that I can't think for myself," he said.

He snatched the joint from her and took a huge drag. "Look nothing fucking happened!"

"Matteo," Sara whispered.

"Leave me the fuck alone," he said, stubbing out the joint against the wall and storming off.

Well, he'd certainly ruined everything with David now. It was probably for the best. David didn't need someone like him in his life. He probably thought Matteo was crazy. He wouldn't be wrong there.

He heard footsteps behind him. Sara caught up with him at the door.

"I'm sorry," she said.

For god sakes, way to make him feel like a complete asshole. No, that was on him, his fault and no one else's. He was so quick to anger, but it dissipated in seconds, leaving exhaustion and sadness behind. Right now, he just felt like crying.

"No... I'm sorry," Matteo said.

"Are you ok?"

"I know what I'm doing ok? I know I'm not supposed to smoke, but sometimes I've got to have fun, you know?"

"I... ok Matteo."

"Just... you can't control my every move you know?" he said, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes.

The weed was really hitting him now. He was such a lightweight.

"I'm sorry, Matteo," she said.

She had nothing to be sorry for, she just cared about him.

"Don't be. I'm sorry for being mean," Matteo said.

"Ok. Are you ok?"

"Not really," he admitted.

He felt devastated, he’d had a fraction of a chance with David and he’d just blown it.

He opened his eyes again when the door opened.

David walked out and Matteo wished he could go back in time and act rationally instead of scaring him away. He'd just wanted one chance to get to know him, to somehow convince David he was normal, interesting enough that he'd want to keep talking.

"Hey, are you ok Matteo?" David asked, approaching him.

He didn't look scared of him, he looked concerned, worried about him. Matteo was so confused now.

"Yeah, just tired," Matteo said.

"Ok. I'm gonna head home, I don't think the committee is my scene. But this was fun, I'll see you around, ok?" David said.

He glanced at Sara, then back to Matteo with a small grin. "Thanks for sharing your weed," he said, smirking, like he knew they’d been up to no good.

That smug fucker. Matteo just stared as he walked away. What the hell was that?

"So you had fun?" Sara asked.

"It was nice, hanging out with someone who doesn't treat me like I'm glass, someone who doesn't know," Matteo said.

She nodded.

"He's the guy Leonie likes," Sara said.

"Uh huh."

"Did he mention her?"

"He did not," Matteo said.

"You gotta get better at sleuthing," she said.

"I'll keep trying," he offered.

"Without the weed?" she tried gently.

"I'm not promising anything," Matteo said. "Walk you home?"

"What about the meeting?"

"Ok Sara here are your options, you can go hold hands with Kiki and that creepy hugs guy, or you can let me walk you home. Either way, I'm going home," Matteo said.

"Let's go then," she said.

He offered her his arm, and she took it, letting him lead her home.

David hadn't been scared of him. Even when he'd kicked off. He hadn't been put off at all. He didn't seem freaked out. He had spoken to Matteo like nothing had happened, like he hadn't just had a tantrum. He'd come back out specifically to check on Matteo. No, more than that, it was almost as if David had approached him to let him know it was ok, that he hadn't scared him off.

Matteo was more confused than ever, but he felt hopeful too. David had said see you around. That had to be a good thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sneak peek from the next chapter:
> 
> Now he’d lost his chance. He felt miserable.  
> He pulled out his phone. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew this was the most assholish thing he could possibly do right now, but he did it anyway. He opened his chat with Sara.  
>  _Matteo: Hey are you in school today? Are you ok? I’m sorry again. Are Leonie and David together now?_  
>  He sighed. What a jerk he was. Sara had asked for space and here he was snooping in her best friend’s life. He supposed at least he was aware of it. That had to be a good thing.  
> Sara’s reply came pretty quick.  
>  _Sara: I’m in the library, I’m ok. I miss you but I need some space. Are you ok. Why do you care?_  
>  That hurt, he thought he’d made it clear that he cared about her. Another message came through then.  
>  _Sara: About Leonie and David I mean?_  
>  Now that was the thing. How much should he tell her? There was no positive outcome he could think of that would come out of telling her. He couldn’t expect her to help. Leonie was her best friend. Not that he even thought he had a chance.  
>  _Matteo: Just wondering_  
>  That was vague enough he supposed. His usual level of disinterest shouldn’t arouse suspicion.  
>  _Sara: You’re fucking kidding me_

**Author's Note:**

> As I said above, feel free to talk to me here or on tumblr [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


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